Celebrities Don’t Make Enough Money

It seems like celebrities have whining about losing their hardly earned money to internet downloading forever now. The truth is that even before the internet celebs weren’t happy being rich. In an effort to stimulate their income some of the unsatisfied have traveled to Japan checking their pride at the border. Take a look at the lengths some will go to be richer.

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In this one, my favorite Bond (Sean Connery) cruises around in a drop top with a real doll face. Emphasis on the “doll” and the “face.” When the doll turns Chucky and comes to life, not only is Sean not perturbed in the least, but the two bring it home with a duet.

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Following in the footsteps of other okay action heroes turned spokesman, Nick Cage takes a shot at the cell phone industry. Just watching you’d think he’s gone insane, but apparently that’s just what he’s like when he’s not acting. This one’s actually funny (I think), reminding me how good Raising Arizona was.

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Zoolander used his ridiculous good looks playing spokesman to this Japanese energy drink. The liquid crack in this commercial not only makes Redbull look like Shasta but it gave Ben the opportunity to showcase the extent of his athletic abilities.

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Fresh off of Angelina, Brad don’s a full safari get-up in this commercial for Softbank. Believe it or not, this guys done quite a few Japanese spots hocking everything from designer jeans to coffee. Out of all of them this is the most cheesy. But since it was directed by Wes Anderson, for some reason it’s still awesome.

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The star of 24 takes his type cast act to Japan in a high-octane 30 second version of his show. Maybe I’m the only one tired of waiting for the action scenes in 24, or maybe the show is just crap. If you disagree feel free to boo hoo in the comment section.

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When the Hulkster wasn’t popularizing yellow du-rags and getting his arse handed to him by the Ultimate Warrior he was singing lullabies in Japan for Hitachi. If this doesn’t put you to sleep neither will his currently flabby old man arms wrapped around your neck.

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Arnold was literally one of the biggest stars in Hollywood at his peak. He took full advantage of his momentum and his lack of dignity in a gang of Japanese commercials in the mid 90′s.Here’s the most retarded. No offense to the cast of The Bad Girls Club.

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Having sharpened his vocal chops on the set of Moulin Rouge, Ewan set his sights on dominating the Japanese market. Fresh out of the whore house, he bounces around the urban landscape selling Godzilla knows what.

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The Simpsons are effin funny no matter who you are. Apparently even in Japanese Homer is a bad father. In this commercial for C.C. Lemon Homer strips down to his yellow ball satchel and Bart follows suit (as in birthday). I don’t know what the hell is being said, but it cracks me up every time.

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After the success of Die Hard Bruce hits Japan with his most believable role to date. In this super bowl style series of commercials Bruce joins the fight against fat Elvis‘s in this spot for Eneos. This one is my favorite of the bunch, but if you want to try to follow the story you should start here.

Look Up From Below

I couldn’t wait to chime in on the most interesting new band I’ve heard in a while. Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros is the folk-rock brainchild of Alex Ebert former Ima Robot frontman. He says the band’s musical style is a tribute to their efforts to follow their most childlike musical impulses.

Alex; an obvious journeyman; had lost his record deal. He met up with the zeros other vocalist Jade Castrinos and began what he refers to as a quest for what was truly important in life. Half way through an online interview Jade straight up says they were tripping on mushrooms for five years. The traveling experiences echo heavily in the band’s début album “Up From Below.”

Edward and the Magnetic Zeros are characters in a story Alex wrote about a man who was “sent down to Earth to kinda heal and save mankind…but he kept getting distracted by girls and falling in love.” The Band has developed a 12-part feature-length musical based on the characters. The first of which,the surreal ” Desert Song,” another one of the bands stand out pieces.

The début album “Up From Below” combines free melodies and soulful lyrics making it an excellent piece of music to throw on and chill out to. If I had to describe them, I might say Johnny Cash on Acid. But in a peaceful way, not a bad Tenacious D trip way. Maybe mixed with a little Fleet Foxes ( another excellent band to listen to). Songs like “Janglin” and “Home”(former NPR song of the day) make it a must check out. If that’s even a thing. What really makes Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros interesting is their whole vibe, as clear in their appearance on Letterman. It’s good to see musicians comfortable being whatever they want. That just what I’m into.

Beyonce Makes a Little Cash on the Side

The date was December 31, 2009. While the rest of the world waited for it all to end, Beyoncé reped for all the single ladies in St. Barts. The performer and ever budding business woman earned top dollar that night as the entertainment portion of a super exclusive, star-studded New Years Eve bash. The event was celebration destination number one for the “who’s, who” of the entertainment industry, including the likes of Jay-z, Lindsay Lohan, Bon Jovi and the Gaddafi family.

Who’s the Gaddafi family? Glad you asked. They are the family of Libyan strongman Mommar Gaddafi, simply known as Colonial Gaddafi. Gaddafi recently became the third longest-serving world leader in 2009. He has supported countless terrorist groups in the past but in the last few years has restored full diplomatic relations with the U.S. partly due to the abolition Libya’s Nuclear program (which is now back in effect with the assistance of France)

Colonel Gaddafi isn’t the only member of the Gaddafi family with a checkered past to say the least. His son best known as “Hannibal” Gaddafi was rumored to have played host New Years eve, footing the bill for Beyoncé’s no doubt hefty fee. The event marked Hannibal’s 2nd news worthy incident since bashing his girlfriend‘s (Libyan model Aline Skaf, 29, who might be a dude) face in just a week earlier.

The bash was thankfully free of violence and politics however it has left some Beyoncé fans feeling confused. Hey, if the U.S. government has decided that the Gaddafi family can be trusted (regardless of the Colonel’s past) then how can we expect Beyoncé to see past the veil. Besides, if we don’t continue to take their money, they win. Beyoncé reportedly gave her fee to charity (although it has yet been confirmed). Beyonce’s official website says the party was infact hosted by Muatsim-Billah Gaddafi, not his brother Moutassim Bilal “Hannibal” Gaddafi, as reported in the press.

Rules of Herbal Etiquette to Help you Make the Right Choice

As a teen I had an unfavorable view of herb. Every guy I knew that smoked when i was young was a complete stoner. Always covered in the funk of Mary Jane, falling out in class ( or the hallway ) and always impossible to understand. Back than I feared the day someone would ask if I wanted a toke. As an adult I finally embraced the idea. My cousin ( who by the way completely fit the stoner profile at the time ) was the one to finally pose the question, and he did so in a very non-pressurizing way. So when I decided to check it out I felt like it was on my own terms. Now that my rookie days are a thing of the past and I’ve crossed over into the big leaves, I have some knowledge to pass down to would be smokers. Not knowing the way of the brotherhood could be disastrous. A big enough mistake can piss people off, cheat yourself out of free future smoke ( not back from the future, just in the future waiting for you where it belongs), or at the very least make people think you’re a bit of a Bell end. Nobody wants to be a bell end. So check out these tips so you can feel more comfortable crossing over to the dark side newb.

PUFF PUFF PASS

Puff, puff pass! It’s one of the oldest and truest rules to have among smokers. Some even say that when the 10 Pot Commandments were chiseled out in year one giving birth to the term stoner ( get it because of the chisel reference ), this was the 1st message they carved. Among smokers and fans of Friday puff, puff pass is a phrase as familiar as moms baked goods. The message here is simple. Don’t be a hog. If I offer you a sip of my drink your not gonna finish half and then hand it back. So don’t do the same with herb. This is especially hard for newbies to grasp seeing as how the inhalation process is one of their toughest barriers. Even so, if your burning up product it counts as actually smoking it. What do you think this stuff grows on trees? Nobody wants to watch you burn their stash to the ground trying to figure out how your lungs work.

DON’T INVITE YOURSELF

If your asked to join a smoke session it means whoever is inviting you likes you enough to spend some spare time with. Even more importantly a little bit of their hard-earned cash as well. Take it as a compliment, but don’t think this entitles you to all future circles. Unless your best friends, it is almost never okay to invite yourself to a smoke out. If you don’t have any herb to contribute you’ve got to understand that this crap gets expensive. You don’t expect your acquaintances to buy you drinks at a bar and you’d probably never ask them to. Why would this be any different? So the next to you see your creative writing classmates running off to the parking lot during break let them be. Unless of course your asked to join. In which case you always say “yes, thank you.”

DON’T INVITE OTHERS

If you should be asked to smoke with a small group or even just a small person, DO NOT under any circumstances invite another friend. If someone is nice enough to share a piece of their fortune don’t be a jerk and take advantage. There are few things worse to a guy down to his last nug than to look up from packing a bowl and see a couple of vultures circling around his pipe smacking their lips. Even just one uninvited guest is enough to shrink your buzz, and possible make the host pack up their stash sooner.

DON’T BE A CRITIC

I can’t stand when some newb has the nerve to criticize another mans smoke. The fact is, some herb is good and some is great. I don’t know many true smoker that would turn down a hit b/c the smoke just wasn’t up to their standards. Don’t get me wrong, standards are good to have. Especially when it comes to getting what you pay for. But don’t be a snob. If someone is nice enough to share a little piece of their happiness with you, don’t belittle their efforts. I hate, hate, hate to see people get clowned for their weed. Especially when their smoking everybody out. Just cough and smile.

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

Just because everyone you’ve smoked with knows you smoke and visa versa, doesn’t mean everyone else has to know. (say that 5 times fast, or say it high just once) When your in civilian territory play it cool. Don’t point out your buddies red eyes, don’t talk about the smell on our clothes (we all smell it) and don’t call anybody out for not being able to handle their buzz in public. At least not out loud where big brother or anyone in a position to judge you can hear. Keep it classy.

SHARING IS CARING

If you should find yourself in a chance to spread the wealth, do it. Herb comes and goes like the sweet winds of chance. Whenever your out smoke the best thing ever is a good friend who doesn’t mind sharing. The way to grow your very own list of people who will smoke you out for free is to smoke others out. The rules of karma have become suspiciously relevant in the weed game. The best way to increase your chances of getting high in your driest of times is to share the love when things are green.